As the
title indicates, it's been a while since I've written anything here. I
don't know if anyone still reads this blog, but I sure appreciate if you
do!
So, I guess some explanation is
due here - it's been a combination of my lack of cohesive thought and lack of
motivation to publish anything. Part of the reason is also that I've
given a shot at the IIT-JEE which is something that I've wanted to write
about for a while.
For the
uninitiated, the IIT-JEE is an entrance exam for the IITs which are regarded by
some as the best engineering colleges in India. The exam is held at the
end of 12th grade annually. Hundreds of thousands attempt the exam.
Tens of thousands slog away countless hours of their last few years in
high school preparing for it. Only a few hundred actually succeed.
Like
many with some strong aspirations of becoming an engineer, I stumbled
upon this path a couple of years ago. I loved making/breaking things and
had (what I felt) a keen interest in science, so it was a natural
option for me to take some engineering related field over other options.
I loved airplanes too and I would spend many happy hours on Wikipedia
reading up about the Concorde (gorgeous plane), the XB-70, their
engines, their airframe designs, and the engineers behind it all. I was
fiercely determined to enter the aviation industry as an aerospace
engineer to create a revolutionary aircraft on the lines of the
Concorde.
It's an
unspoken reality that one's chances at IIT-JEE significantly decrease
without the assistance of extra classes outside school, also known as
coaching classes. I joined one at the start of the summer vacation prior
to 11th called FIITJEE after getting a decent fee waiver via their
admission test. I was no stranger to horror stories of 11th and 12th
grade for school students, but I felt things would change for the better
after the brain-numbing syllabus of 10th grade.
And
it did. To an extent. Things passed very quickly through the first few
months of FIITJEE where I was tirelessly trying to understand every
fragment of information that would probably help in making it through
with a good rank in IIT Advance. My math wasn't strongest to begin with
and I trudged along with chem with ambivalence to the subject material.
Studying physics, both in class and at home was amazing. Thanks to our
FIITJEE physics teacher, one of the best teachers I've ever had, physics
by acompared long shot became my favorite subject for the next two years. It
always just clicked and moreover studying physics and learning something
new to solve an interesting problem was just
fun. I remember
physics and chemistry (primarily physics) passing along with relative
smoothness but it felt like I was banging my head on a brick wall with
math. This led to the vicious cycle of frustration, studying to remedy
my weaknesses followed by more frustration when things didn't seem to be
getting better. Despite all the apathy towards math I still managed to
get through reasonably well with a consistent 2nd place in the phase
tests and three digit ranks in the FIITJEE AIiTS. Unfortunately my
reckless, unplanned approach towards studying in the first few months
cost me greatly in other spheres of life and I was not a happy person to
be around.
It was around this point
in time when I felt things slipping - yes, decent ranks in the phase
tests were welcome but did it actually mean anything in such a sample
set? There was also a storm brewing on the horizon - in the form of
organic chemistry. Hard as I tried, I could never commit the material to
memory. My woes with organic chem were exemplified with a jaw-dropping
11/25 in a school UT...which meant I had spent about 2 hours studying
for every mark earned in that test :P
Fortunately
things slowly shaped up to look better right after 11th grade. Thanks
to some quality teaching at FIITJEE and a lot time with chem textbooks
organic chem started to become clearer for me. Shortly thereafter I
managed to top Bangalore in FIITJEE's classroom program in the organic
chem phase test. Of all the times I've had to bounce back from a tight
situation in those 2 years, this was probably my highest point.
Suddenly, exactly a year before IIT Advance 2015, the metaphorical glass
was half full and no longer half empty. There was a calm feeling of
conviction of a good possibility of me making it all the way for a 3
digit rank in IIT. Yes, my math was still well behind physics and chem
but I had a year to work on it, right?
Well
not exactly. It just so happened that 12th grade started in full flow
at this point and the constant neglect I had given to the school
syllabus in 11th grade was no longer feasible. I couldn't continue just
scraping by the school exams with minimal preparation as I had done in
11th. It dawned on me that I would have to manage both school and
FIITJEE a lot more efficiently if I had to have a chance with making it
to a good college. While physics was chugging along well, math severely
needed a shot in the arm and chem got a whole lot uglier with 4 (or was
it 5?) full organic chapters hastily finished off in FIITJEE just days
before phase test 4. The neglect with the other two subjects was all too
visible with me scoring 20 marks more in physics than chem and math
combined (no I'm not a savant in physics, just an idiot with math :P).
In the middle of all this, a few competitive programming experiences
realigned my goals with respect to computer science and I started liking
it almost as much as I used to obsess with aerospace engineering in the
past.
For me, this turned into the
beginning of a massive decline. For whatever reason, I succeeded in
trashing both the KVPY and the NSEP - my biggest targets for 12th grade.
School marks were about okay, but still less than ideal. Not in a great
shape right now, huh? It proceeded to get worse when on one day in
December 2014 I heard the news that because of my US citizenship, I was
essentially out of the race for NITs, IIITs (note I was still in the
running for IITs though) and a bunch of local colleges in Karnataka as
well.
Godammit.
My
passion for physics notwithstanding I might as well not have studied at
all for IIT till then. It was a pretty big blow. Fortunately, what the
government taketh, they giveth. I could make it to NITs through their
international program (DASA) solely through subject SAT scores which
shouldn't be to big of a deal given all the study towards JEE. If you've
been reading this closely, you would have probably guessed that even
that wasn't exactly straightforward since the only available day to
attempt the subject SAT before the deadline was December 6, exactly a
week after I heard about this scheme. The subject SATs themselves were
uneventful - 2400. Incidentally, at this time math finally seemed to be
shaping up for the first time since I chanced upon this business with
FIITJEE. I could reasonably solve problems when in the mood which was a
big change from how I used to dawdle with the subject earlier.
Little
did I know that is was the beginning of the biggest low I experienced -
school pre-boards in January 2015 was an unmitigated disaster. 55% in
math and about the same in chem with similarly bad marks across the
board in CSc, physics, and English made for some very unpleasant
conversations with my parents. Forget about JEE, at that point, even
making the 80% in boards for qualifying cutoff was looking distant.
Intertwined in this was the new BITS Hyderabad international admissions
program which also made use of the good subject SAT score! But the twist
was that they needed SAT reasoning scores too - which left me (yet
again) with no option to attempt it within a week's time after the
pre-boards to make the deadline. Gave it my all - 2220 overall or
1580/1600 CR+Math. With some assurance of BITS Hyderabad, college
entrance exams totally took a backseat from the beginning of this year,
the primary focus from then on being the board exams.
It
took a lot of effort to get started - those pre-board marks were not
going to fix themselves and I had to make up almost the full year's
syllabus in a bit more than a month to stand a chance. Eventually, the
rote-learning mode grew on me and the board exams came and went in March
without too much drama. Just the day before my last board exam, BITS
Hyderabad sent an offer letter for taking up CSc at an 80% scholarship!
For a few sweet minutes the pressure of the last two years was
off.
If you haven't
slept off yet reading through all that, here's where it started to get
interesting. Board exams done and dusted left me free to attempt the set
of entrance exams at will - the main ones being JEE Mains/Advance and
the BITSAT. With BITS Hyderabad CSc, I was of the opinion things could
only get better as I could attempt all the exams with a free mind. This
went on to be reasonably true - I picked up 206 in JEE Mains with a solid 88 in physics, 83 in chem, and 35 (:P) in math. Though I would've hoped for it bit more, it turned out to be a better score than I thought it would be as the cutoffs had dropped by 10 marks from the previous year and that very few in my batch had scored higher. Much later on, it transpired that this JEE Mains score with my 95+% in CBSE would give me a decent shot at getting CSc at NIT, Surathkal campus, Aerospace Engineering at IISt, and hell, even decent choices at IIIT-H had it not been for my US citizenship. With this Mains result in hand, it led me to a crucial
decision - study for the BITSAT and go for it all to get CSc at Pilani
campus? Study for JEE Advance instead to salvage a decent rank
especially since BITS unifies their curriculum across campuses? I
decided to go for the BITSAT - after all my math was in no condition for
the brunt of JEE Advance but I had a good shot of making up to a
respectable level for the BITSAT, which is an objectively much easier exam.
This
quickly turned into an obsession - with a BITSAT textbook by my side I
started optimising and gaming the whole test to the minute with well
divided time sections for all the subjects and strategies for almost all
the possible outcomes at each stage. Math felt like it was finally on par with the other two subjects. With strong 350-370 scores after
attempting all the questions in all the mock tests without the bonus 12
questions, it looked like that the dream of two years was finally within
my grasp.
But, for some inexplicable
reason, I felt tremendous pressure just hours before the exam when I
should have been getting a sound sleep. It was awful and I only managed to
catch a few hours of sleep after finally going to sleep at 2am on the
day of the exam scheduled at 830am.
The sleep deprivation didn't augur well but that only
partially sealed my fate. The invigilator gave me more rough paper than I
was supposed to be given before the exam (the two rough booklets were somehow glued back to back), only to realize his mistake
when I started the math section.
This can't be happening, I thought.
This isn't how it's supposed to all end.
My extra rough sheets were confiscated by the proctor
and then it hit me that this really was the final nail in the coffin. At that very moment the blood drained from my face realising that my chances were slipping by the second. With 90 minutes left to go but with no rough paper I was very much on the verge of giving up knowing that it
really couldn't be worse. Math was never my strongest subject but attempting it without any rough paper was completely out of the question. Despite all this, I realized that I couldn't just let a dream of 2 years fall apart for such a pathetic issue and still went on with the test - guessing everything I could on the math section.
I went for the extra 12 questions
which were fine but the I knew the damage done from fluking most of math was irreparable. With the most
anxiety I've ever experienced, I clicked the "Submit Test" button to see
how I had done.
Surely
it was just my sleep deprived brain that was seeing things, right? I
rubbed my eyes, half expecting the last two digits of the score to
reverse.
I
opened my eyes again. No change. Then I glanced towards the bottom of
the screen and then I knew I had truly screwed the pooch.
(Correctly marked answers are worth 3 marks and incorrectly marked answers lose 1 mark from the total)
I stumbled out of the exam room/computer lab feeling absolutely numb. Speech was difficult without a torrent of tears.
BITS
Pilani CSc, heck, CSc at any BITS campus through BITSAT was an
impossibility. It felt crushing and terrible to work so hard and to get so
close only to ruin everything on the day of the exam for some issue that
I had no control over. That day was not the first time I cried myself to sleep in those two years, but at least there was a silver lining in getting another chance to do well in some other exam. There was none this time.
Strangely the only solace at the time was that I
had to give JEE Advance (is it spelled Advanced? My bad if it's wrong)
with absolutely no preparation due to preparing for the BITSAT instead.
So, I ended up with only three days to prepare for JEE Advance and did
nothing more than three previous year's papers to make sure I wasn't
wasting time on any particular section and to ensure I hadn't lost too
much touch.